EXTREME CHARACTER BASHING
by Sarryn
Summary: Warning: This will be, as the title suggests, extreme character bashing. All characters will be bashed and by that I mean a few of them. What did you honestly think I have the attention span to bash them all? It's exhausting work you know. Read and review
1. Default Chapter

Warning: This will be, as the title suggests, extreme character bashing ****

Warning: This will be, as the title suggests, extreme character bashing. All characters will be bashed and by that I mean a few of them. Do not flame until you read the whole thing through or you will come out sounding idiotic and I will be forced to laugh at you, which I will. Remember only valid flames are accepted and not those meant to be purely cruel or to just be a smart aleck.

EXTREME CHARACTER BASHING

Warning: Character bashing ahead, be warned…

Lina:

Lina glanced around, noting that no one else was around. It was _that_ time of the month and she needed some 'Lina-Time', i.e. without the rest of her comrades to bother her. That was one thing she really hated about being a girl.

As she bent down next to a crystalline stream…

"What the hell!" she yelled as something bashed her in the head. She turned, rubbing her bruised head, and watched a maniacally giggling figure swathed in black disappear into the woods. She glanced down and say a loaf of bread laying forgotten on the ground. She had been clobbered with bread? 

What was going on?

Gourry:

Gourry was sleeping quite soundly, thinking of dancing rotisserie style chicken and mashed potatoes, when the summer air was filled profanity. He cracked open an eye looked towards the direction Lina had disappeared to. She had muttered something about the month and a time, roughly translated he guessed it was that time of month. She still hadn't told him what that meant.

Yawning he stretched and glanced around. He seemed to be alone, the others having wandered off for one reason or another. His stomach rumbled authoritatively and slowly stood up, deciding that he should go find food.

As he moved around the tree he had been sleeping under…

"Ow," he exclaimed as something bashed him on the head. He whirled around, bringing out his sword, only to see a person in black run into the forest, evil laughter fading mysteriously into the flowing shadows. 

He stood there scratching his head and wondering what was going on. On the ground was stuffed chicken, not rotisserie, but still cooked. 

Zelgadis:

Zelgadis stared stoically at the forest around him. Amelia had told him to go and get firewood so they could make camp. She was looking for food with Sylphiel while Lina had gone off for some personal matter that he could care less about, he had a suspicion that it was _that_ time of the month. Gourry was still probably asleep under the tree.

With a sigh he shouldered his burden and set back for the clearing…

"Huh?" he exclaimed as he was bashed on the head with an object. He spun around preparing a devastating spell only to find himself alone. The only evidence of the intruder's presence was a chilling laugh and stuffed octopus that had become severely injured due to contact with his hair.

He was at a loss for an answer for that random act of violence.

Amelia:

Amelia hummed softly to herself as dropped the fresh looking fruit onto her cape. It was her mission to gather food and she wouldn't fail, it was her duty after all. That and she didn't want to face Lina when the sorceress got in one her moods. Of course she usually was in a mood, but that was besides the fact. 

Deciding that she had gathered enough fruit she turned…

"Hey!" she yelled as she was bashed on the head. She coughed as finely milled flour filled the air and her nostrils. Through her blurred vision she could barely discern the retreating form an evil black-cloaked character. She had been struck with a bag of flour!

"You who have dared perform deeds of injustice against one who holds such lofty ideals in high regards, stop! I said stop!"

Rezo:

Rezo was dead and doing whatever it is that dead people do. Most of that involved floating around with a vague sense of self and having political debates with esteemed leaders of past revolutions and dynasties. He, being dead as it has been mentioned, had no physical body but that hardly mattered.

As he floated aimlessly…

"What the…" the spirit of Rezo cried as something bashed him on the head then fell to the ground by his feet. His body was no longer corporeal but that didn't mean he was unable to sense an assault on his person. All her could tell of the assailant was that the person possessed a truly insane laugh.

Being blind as well, even dead, he bent down and examined the object that had been dropped by his feet. Whatever it was had odd, strangely synthetic fur and kept speaking in mechanical gibberish.

Sylphiel:

Sylphiel smiled sweetly at the mother bird as she fed her babies their dinner. She was glad to have the chance before Lina and her friends started out on another one of their rather exhausting quests. Gourry-dear had looked so peaceful sleeping under the tree that she hadn't wanted to disturb as she went to gather food. Actually she hadn't found any, being unfamiliar with the native plant life in the area. Instead she had stopped to watch the peaceful unity of nature.

The bird gave a shriek and flew off, Sylphiel turned…

"Aaah!" she cried as she was bashed on the head by something wet and sticky. As she scrapped the goop from her eyes she witnessed a glimpse of black cloth and then everything returned, more or less, to normal. 

She glanced at her hands and found them covered in amber goo. Honey? She had been struck with honey? What sort of twisted ploy was this?

Filia:

Filia was sitting on a warm rock beside a wonderfully musical stream, sipping her tea and thinking upon her companions. She was perfectly content, especially considering a certain someone wasn't there bothering her with is repugnant presence. Just the thought of him put her on edge and broke the sense of tranquility that had begun to descend upon her.

It's just like him to ruin a perfect moment, she thought as she stood…

"Ow!" she exclaimed as she was rudely bashed on the head. Glaring dangerously she spun around, determined to pound that stupid priest into a bloody pulp. Instead of the Mazoku a figure clothed in black sprinted away with a deranged cackle.

Who was that? Glancing down she noticed a wreath of petunias on the ground. She had been hit with a wreathe?

Random Bandit:

The random bandit stood there wondering how he was going to get any money, because he honestly wasn't the very best brigand out there. He didn't have or belong to a roving band of marauders and there was very little hope that he would ever.

Scratching his head in dejection he turned to walk down the road…

"Ouch! Hey what's the deal?" he demanded of the robed figure before him.

"Oops, thought you were someone important,?" the person said apologetically, tossing aside wicker basket.

"I'm someone important!" the bandit sputtered in outrage. The figure laughed uproariously and left.

Xelloss:

Xelloss was about to pop over and visit Filia, well, no, he was going to drive her nuts and enjoy every minute of it, but something stopped him. Actually the thing that stopped was a swift blow to the head by a rather thick book.

"Sarryn, what are you up to now?" he asked in amusement as the stars faded from his vision. The figure in black paused uncertainly, then threw back the cowl shielding his or her face.

"How did you know it was me?" Sarryn asked petulantly, Webster's Unabridged Dictionary of Modern Words falling from her hand.

"How many other people would go around and bash random characters on the head with ridiculous items?" he demanded, smiling. She scratched her head and thought hard for a moment.

"Plenty, but they do another kind of bashing," she admitted, tracing patterns in the dirt with toe of her boot.

"So who have you attacked so far?"

"Lina, Gourry…Zelgadis, Filia…"

"You got Filia? I wish I'd been there," Xelloss interrupted, his smile widening.

"Amelia, Sylphiel and this random bandit guy by mistake," she replied ignoring. "Oh and I also got Rezo with a Furby."

"Isn't he dead?" Xelloss asked with interest.

"So?"

"Let me guess, you're really bored aren't you?"

Sarryn muttered something under her breath and vanished, leaving the dictionary behind. Xelloss smiled more and began to whistle. He ought to go and check up on her other victims if for no other reason than to amuse himself with their suffering. That author was one twisted girl.

****

I said I'd bash the characters and I have, though not in the way you were all probably thinking. Instead of insulting them I took the term 'character bashing' literally and caused minor injuries on the participants. No anime characters were seriously hurt in the production of EXTREME CHARACTER BASHING.

If anyone is interested I might make of a second chapter of random bashings. Beware Slayers, for I am literal girl! Oh and I don't own Slayers except as DVD's so don't sue me or I'll set my nihilistic Smurfs on you!


	2. Rubber chicken alert!

Warning: This will be more, as the title suggests, extreme character bashing ****

Warning: This will be more, as the title suggests, extreme character bashing. All other characters will be bashed and by that I mean a few more of them. Do not flame until you read the whole thing through, don't forget about the first one either, or you will come out sounding idiotic and I will be forced to laugh at you, which I will. Remember only valid flames are accepted and not those meant to be purely cruel or to just be a smart aleck.

****

Notes: reviewers suggested some of these characters. Thanks everyone!

EXTREME CHARACTER BASHING, 1.2v

Warning: Character bashing ahead, be warned…

Martina:

Where was that man? Martina wondered as she once again checked on her soufflé. It was hard to cook a romantic dinner for someone who had decided to show up late. Her only consolation was that the soufflé hadn't fallen in, it was so hard to keep them risen. 

She setting a nice arrangement of flowers on the table when…

"Aaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" she screeched with excruciating loudness as she was bashed in the head. Dazedly she rubbed the bump forming on the back of her head and noticed what appeared to be box tissues lying forgotten on the floor. In the distance maniacal could be heard.

Her soufflé fell and she screamed again, this time in frustration.

Valgaav (for some reason we jump backwards before he was baby-fied, so he's all grown):

Val was standing and generally contemplating how to get revenge for all the many, many, many, many, etc. wrongs done to him. Suffice it to say he was one angry and ready to maim, maul and generally eviscerate kind of guy.

He finally decided which individual responsible for one of the many, many, many, many, etc. wrongs done to him to maim, maul and generally eviscerate when…

"What the hell?" he roared as he was bashed in the head. Fire danced in his eyes as he whirled around to destroy whoever had dared to harm him. Before he could do anything something crashed into his head followed by a scared shriek and the sound of someone running away.

Growling lowly he attempted to pull the object away from his face. Unfortunately whatever it was stuck to his face and no amount of tugging would get the sticky paper-like object away.

Jeffrey (from Book of Spells, the Slayers movie):

Jeffrey raised his rapier sword of death above his head and charged the villainous villains who had dared to stop his quest, yet another one, to become captain of the guards. He let out a horrific cry and promptly tripped over his own feet, landing face first in the dirt. The bandits stared at him, wondering what that emaciated kid was on. They didn't have long to find out because out of the shadows came a hooded figure wielding a rather large mallet and wearing a dress. When Jeffrey regained consciousness the friendly 'tourist' lady went away and he was on his own again.

Standing up and retrieving his rapier sword of death he…

"Owie…" he sobbed as he was bashed on the head. 

"Oh ho ho, how dare you assault my wonderful Jeffrey?" demanded a high, almost recognizable voice. There was a high pitched scream and his assailant, dressed in black, ran away. On the ground was large halibut. He wondered how it had gotten there because there weren't any lakes nearby.

Zangulus:

Zangulus knew he was in deep trouble because he was late for the dinner his wife, Martina, has specifically told him not to be late too. He hoped she would understand that a man in his line of profession, great swordsman, couldn't be tied down to precise schedules. 

Silently he was praying that she wouldn't start throwing random household objects at him…

"Hey!" he bellowed as he was bashed in the head. Seeing a figure dressed in black running away he withdrew his sword and prepared to give chase. Unfortunately she had already disappeared with an insanity filled cackle. 

Laying on the ground he noticed a glass bottle that had the words "Coke" (See movie: The Gods Must Be Crazy) written on the surface.

Kopii Rezo:

Kopii Rezo was dead as well as the original and like the original he had sorta become a demon. Unlike the original he was in a hot place, a very, very hot place. Still grumbling about how he was greater than the original, he endured the horrors of the very, very hot place. 

As he dodged another geyser of flame…

"Huh?" he cried as he was bashed in the head with a large blunt object. Glaring with his oddly mismatched eyes, one was yellow and the other was brown, he watched the figure in black fade away. On the ground he noticed a large bowling pin.

"I'm better than the real Rezo," he pouted for no reason whatsoever. 

Dark Lord Shabranigdo (yes, all shall fear!):

The summoning was going fine as the energy swirled around the room in a screaming vortex of power. The three sorcerers were summoning the terrifying Dark Lord Shabranigdo from one of the remaining pieces. With a sudden roar the tension snapped and before them, bursting forth from the terrified child, was the darkness incarnate.

"I am free," Shabranigdo roared, raising monstrous arms high over head…

"…owie…" it wailed as it was bashed over the head. As the smoke cleared there stood a chibi-Shabranigdo. The three sorcerers stared at the mini horror in shock.

"Hah, who's the scary one now?" a figure dressed in black demanded, rubber chicken hanging from one hand. 

"I want my mommy!" chibi-Shabranigdo cried, and soon the red-eyed demon was balling horribly. The figure smacked itself in the face and handed the crying ruler of the dark side of the world a tissue and a stuffed demon doll. 

"I didn't know a rubber chicken would do that," the figure muttered picking up the now happy demon. "I wonder if my mother will mind having a chibi-demon in the house."

The three sorcerers stood there scratching their heads in bewilderment. What had just happened?

****

Yes! More random bashing! All shall fear! Nyaha ha ha ha ha ha! Um…that was rather ransom as well…Please review and maybe EXTREME CHARACTER BASHING 1.3v will be posted.


	3. Suicide by Inflatable Penguin, or Shabib...

****

Warning: This will be more, as the title suggests, extreme character bashing. All other characters will be bashed and by that I mean a few more of them. Do not flame until you read the whole thing through, don't forget about the first one either, or you will come out sounding idiotic and I will be forced to laugh at you, which I will. Remember only valid flames are accepted and not those meant to be purely cruel or to just be a smart aleck.

****

Notes: Taking another request, the biggest ever. Who? You shall see.

EXTREME CHARACTER BASHING, 1.3v

Warning: Character bashing ahead, be warned…

Chibi-Shabrinigdo ran by as Xelloss appeared in the lavender anime void where all anime characters go when not in use by insanely insane authors of insanely insane and pointless fics. He glanced at it with an expression of disbelief and humor on his handsome face. Moments later a box full of phi and theta collided with his cranium, how the author has managed to put those things there is best left up to the experts. 

"What are you doing?" Sarryn glanced up from the depths of the closet she was currently excavating, rubber chicken and beloved keyboard in hand. She blew a pesky strand of black hair out of her face and regarded her unexpected but not entirely unwanted guest. 

"Getting ready," she replied ambiguously. He arched an eyebrow and opened one purple eye. "I mean…I'm…" He sighed as the girl partially melted into the cluttered floor. His eye closed and she immediately reformed. 

"Well, there has been a request made that I was hesitant to follow up, but considering that most of the people Lina meets have died…I'm taking a chance."

"You don't mean…" She nodded with grim determination suddenly manifesting combat fatigues.

"I don't know if I'll come back alive, but I try to fulfill all requests."

"Perhaps this once you shouldn't, I mean…_her_…"

"This might do _her_ some good. L-sama shall not escape the wrath of bashing!"

****

8:14 pm…

Wednesday…

November 21…

Outside of L-sama's domain…

"What am I doing here?" Xelloss demanded rhetorically. 

"Making sure Shabible-baby-boo doesn't destroy the world yet. He hasn't even been potty trained and it's always destroy the world this and wipe out all life that. And this was after I took him to the vet's."

"The vet? Why not a pediatrician?"

"With those horns? Besides it's cheaper."

"Nothing but the best for the most powerful Dark Lord of my world," Xelloss muttered.

"Damn straight."

The two brave, or not, bashers stealthily, or not, approached the impenetrable fortress that was L-sama, or at least _her_ essence shaped into a plush, luxurious, indescribably large and cool hotel suite. Having acquired some sort of spiffy super power Sarryn slipped inside, dragging a rather reluctant Xelloss and a bawling Chibi-Shabrinigdo, or Shabible-baby-boo as she so affectionately called him. Her weapon of choice was a giant inflatable penguin of despair, doom and general mayhem. Her target was the blonde woman sitting on comfy chair upholstered in crushed scarlet velvet. She raised the penguin, ignoring the need for another paragraph, and took a deep breath.

With the speed of a constipated bullet she brought down the accursed inflatable device shaped like a penguin and originally designed to provide hours and hours of fun and frolic for children six and up due to choking hazards and recent deaths due to unknown sources of asbestos, or run-on sentences. 

Suddenly the world disappeared and the author faced a rather pissed of deity from another dimension. Deciding fleeing was the better part of valor she bashed the Lord of Nightmares over the head with aforementioned penguin and fled, leaving Xelloss to face the wrath. Of course she took her cute, widdle, snuggly-wuggly Shabible-baby-boo face with her.

"Xelloss!"

"I can explain, Lord of Nightmares-sama. Please let me explain."

****

And so ends a rather twisted version 1.3 of EXTREME CHARACTER BASHING. I hope you all enjoy, and please feel free to make requests. It's true that not many people that meet Lina are left alive, a sad but true fact. 


End file.
